One good black father among many… Tackling fatherhood and loving (almost) every minute!
RSS for African American DadProbably not. But we totally do have rough moments that often wipe away the most recent perfect moment in a heart beat. Definitely a topic worth talking about. And writing about. It was Jennifer Senior’s New York Magazine article that started it all. Shout out to Jason, Paul, and Jennifer who along with me had a chance to talk about it on Tell Me More with Michel Martin on NPR.
Posted: July 20th, 2010 under I JUST HAD TO MENTION, THE COACH.
Comments: 1
Over the years I have written quite a bit about my family and being a dad. I have shared the good, the bad, and the depressing. So in my own head I think that I have earned the right to gush about Dev’s current successes (Did I mention that my son, after all the years of effort and sacrifice is officially gifted and talented?). We did not come by any of this easily or by chance. We got here through effort and strategy and love. It’s all paying off with an intelligent, novel-reading, swimming, off-the-charts mathematician who is comfortable in his independence. To maintain it all and not fall into complacency will require us to double our efforts. Luckily these years ahead, generally speaking, are the so-called quiet before the stormy years of adolescence. Of course there will be plenty of squalls between now and the teens, but we think we are up for it. Heck, we have to be.
Was that paragraph annoying? Are you telling me right now aloud, directly into your computer screen, with a string of slobber hanging from the corner of your mouth to kiss your ass? Are you asking yourself who does this guy think he is anyway, some magical parenting shaman? The friggin’ kid whisperer? If you are thinking that, I must admit that I understand. I’d bet money that more people threw up in their mouths than cheered. Sometimes it’s hard to hear good things about other people’s kids especially if you are in the often-dark and seemingly endless tunnel of the toddler and preschool years. Even if you emerged from those earlier years unscathed you may be chagrined to find that the school-aged years have gotten off to a rocky start with unwanted peer influences and disruptive classroom behavior. You may even be saying “of course it’s all good for him – he only has one!” I got it. I feel your pain too.
There will always be some kid out there who is super charming where you kid is kind of a jerk. Or a kid who is athletic where your kid is kind of a book worm. A kid you find to be sickeningly adorable. A kid who is so brilliant Oprah invites him or her onto her show. On the other hand there will always be something good we can say about our kids no matter where they fall in the spectrum of personalities and intelligence. We had better be able to come up with something good to say about our offspring. If working super hard as a parent doesn’t give us something to gush about then what’s the sense?
So then why are we so dismissive (or just plain hateful) of other parents when they talk about their kids? Me, I love hearing people boast about their kids. I also have been well trained (shameless plug) to appreciate a parent’s pride. I wasn’t always this way though. When Dev was going through his early days of development I would get down right annoyed by people with well-adjusted kids. I could not stand to hear their cute stories and be around their joy. I am so glad I did not have a Facebook account in those trying times. Nowadays I can’t get enough of the good stories and I also enjoy the rewarding challenge of working with a parent through the tough times and toward the path of finding a little joy again.
Still I understand when you want to counter a good story of mine with a better one of your own. I get it when you want to point out that your kid was potty trained when mine was just testing out his potty mouth. It’s not a competition (not officially anyway) yet we always measure ourselves against other parents because we never know if we are doing it right. When we sense and seize an opportunity to boast about our children it’s because somewhere deep down we understand it to be a moment where we can say to ourselves without reservation that “I’m doing something right!” Usually the sound byte playing in our heads is the one where we are chastising our inner voice with “we screwed that up didn’t we?” Or my favorite “how many years of therapy will it take for him to work through that parenting blunder?”
When you are doing it right being a parent is hard. When you are doing it wrong it’s also hard. I have found that there is a thin line between the two. That’s why we cling to the fleeting moments of joy, relay over and over again the long term successes that were a direct product of sacrifice, and unabashedly talk about our kids as if they walk on water… even if the last thing they walked on was their own feces.
Posted: July 18th, 2010 under THE COACH.
Comments: none
The other day I saw Taylor Momsen on East 67th Street in Manhattan. She was with two rocker looking dudes who were probably in her band. She had on garters and stockings, a pair of eight foot heels and was smoking. She’s 16. My first instinct was “where are her parents?” I would like to meet them and perhaps coach them. I called my wife and said I saw that young one from Gossip Girl on the street and she’s a mess. I told my son too when I got home from work that day who I saw and he didn’t care (until I told him she played the little girl in How The Grinch Stole Christmas). After I got over the initial this-kid-is-screwed-up thoughts I then started wondering about the idea of old souls.
When I was a kid about Taylor’s age I was considered an old soul. I looked older than most with my full goatee, I spoke fairly well for a kid, I brooded, and I generally felt older. I got into night clubs that kids my age couldn’t, and legally shouldn’t have been allowed to cross the velvet ropes to get into. I dated older women and eventually married one too. I lived a life of strategy, not fun. I made no friends in college because I was managing a clinic at the time as well. I planned. I saved. I generally lived a life of someone older. And I thought old thoughts. I still do feel old but now I am actually oldish. I took (and take) life very seriously and I take notes. I have a keen interest in learning from my mistakes.
This line of reflection led me to wondering if calling a kid a “mess” because they feel the weight of years on their souls, even if by all normal standards they are still kids, is fair. It’s almost not fair. Good thing I don’t believe in fair – life isn’t fair (but it’s good and I consider it a gift so don’t think I’m bashing life). Had I been a celebrity when I was 16 I probably would have been looked at strangely by the press and parents. I have always felt older than my contemporaries. Not because I think it’s cool, but because it is me. People say that about Dev too. Can it be that we need to be more opened minded about our teens and who they are, not who we want them to be, even in these crazy times? Let me be clear, I don’t think teens should smoke. Heck, I don’t thin anyone should. Garters are weird on strippers and even weirder on teenagers. I also believe that whether you feel old or not you should wait until you are legal to even think about sex. But that aside is there a way to parent old souls well and to the point where their individuality is respected but boundaries are still set? I say yes.
In my opinion the key is identifying the posers (i.e. Miley Cyrus) versus the real deal old souls. If your kid is faking their brooding oldness then it’s an entirely different issue you have on your hands – your kid is having an identity crisis. How to identify a real old soul is through listening. I suspect a true old soul wants to talk to old people like you, their parents. But they want to be able to speak freely as all teens do. If you don’t set that foundation for openness without judgement early then it will be harder for your teen to open up when they get to those awkward teen-ages when they really want to talk but feel they can’t trust you. My wife suffers my excessive talking now because I didn’t get to talk to my parents freely when I was coming of age. Now I make up for what I missed by yapping excessively about life and feelings.
I know it’s hard to look a the real person your child is the same way it’s hard to look at the real person a celebrity is. We put both on pedestals and want them to be the way we want them to be. We are selfish in that sense, though at the same time mingling with the selfishness there is hope too. Hope that our kids will be better than we are. Still, as humans, we have to accept that everyone on this earth is an individual and not someone to bend to our wills, not even if they our kids. Our job with our kids is to instill values so that they do not have to be bent, but simply guided. I hope Taylor’s parent’s are involved. I hope that our wisdom prevails when we parent our teens. I hope that we don’t mess up our old souls by classing them as messes when they need strong parents as much as anyone.
Posted: June 27th, 2010 under I JUST HAD TO MENTION, RANDOM.
Comments: none
