A “HEALTHY FEAR” OF DAD
I didn’t have to go to work today because of the holiday, so I left the kid with his great grandmother and went to the barber shop. It was a lively day at the shop, much more so than usual. We talked about politics, the old timers talked aboout the old days, we discussed racism, sports (which I don’t know a thing about), down-low brothers (I have no clue why), how messed up the youth are, and a bunch of other stuff. All ages were represented today and many opinions shared in a friendly, respectful way. I, however, was less into the conversation than others because I was focused on the young black dad that was there with his twin sons.Â
The two little boys were the best behaved 21-month olds I had ever seen. They did not squirm in the barber chair as they got their haircuts. They were patient beyond what you can reasonably expect from children so young.  The dad had no toys and did not bribe his kids with food. It was amazing. We chatted for a moment and I found out that the dad was a reverend and on his way to a new church placement in the south. I told him that he was lucky to have such well behaved children. He said to me “I believe that kids should have a healthy fear of their parents. I started working on that very early on.” I had to smile at that. My son has no fear, healthy or otherwise. I always thought that my kid should have a healthy respect for me and I’m going to stick with that theory for a little while longer.Â
Fear will be my last resort.Â
I do wonder, now that I’ve had time to think about it, what the reverend meant by his rather cryptic statement. I must have been too scared to ask at the time.
Posted: November 10th, 2006 under UNSOLICITED ADVICE & SUPPORT.
Comments: 6
Comments
Comment from tom
Time: November 11, 2006, 6:40 pm
hard to tell. people – and kids – are often very different in private than they are in public. my kid is usually friendly and polite everywhere; he never lets himself get out of control in public, but he will do it at home. you have to wonder what goes on with people in their own homes, and reserve judgment. i’ve known a lot of people who were treated badly by their parents, in private, but you would never know it from seeing them in public. as for the fear thing, it reminds me of a chinese philosopher, who said that the second best rulers rule by fear. the best rule by love.
Comment from The Goddess
Time: November 12, 2006, 7:34 pm
Interesting topic. I’m curious as to what he meant by that also. As nosey as I am, I’m sure I would’ve asked.
I have a 15 year old that always says how afraid he is of me during conversations when we are discussing other teens and their negative behavior and attitudes. He is a very well behaved teen who I’ve never had to really discipline for much of anything. He always says he knows I would kill him if he did “this or that” and I have NO CLUE where that came from. I’m glad he has reverence, but I KNOW I don’t want my children to FEAR me.
Great post, I’ll be back for more. Smile
Comment from Nikita
Time: November 14, 2006, 2:32 pm
When I was younger, I had a healthy fear of my mother. To me, my mother meant love, caring, hugs etc., but I also knew that to do what I was told clearly not to do would have meant a problem. I was always informed of what was wrong to do, what not to do and when mistakes were made to own up to them. When your children are young, they need to understand that no really does mean no, to let them think otherwise could mean their demise. They need to understand that come here does not mean when then feel like it, they need to come because to hesitate could get them hurt. I think what he means is that they know the rules and consequences for being out of line. Truthfully, it is the same thing we complain about this generation of kids not understanding, that there is on some level (spiritual, punishment etc.) consequences for not following given rules or having a darn good reason not to follow them. My mom and I talk, I tell her how I feel and how I fail etc. and I always have, however, I knew she meant what she said. As a child, I never would have dared to act up in my mom’s presence unless I had a darn good reason. I am supposing that this man has let his children know that he will not allow any harm to come to them and that he has expectations that they will trust him and that there are consequences if they act out. Or they may simply be very good kids. They do exist.
Comment from Mrs. J
Time: November 14, 2006, 7:34 pm
Wow. That is really impressive that those boys were so well behaved in there. As soon as I found out I was pregnant with twins we started praying that we’d have either two girls or one of each because the mere thought of toddler TWIN BOYS was too scary too handle. So he’s to be commended! Raising tag-team toddlers is hard work, whatever the gender.
It’s been a while since I had almost two year olds (not that long, really but certain things get bloccked out while raising kids – terrible twos being one of those things). But I really didn’t think that “a two” would have the awareness to fear (even in a healthy way) a parent. Most twos I know still grin when you tell them not to do something and then go back and do whatever it is they have their mind set on. So maybe they were just really wonderful, mild-mannered little kids. Or maybe they had just had a nap and planned to start showing out the second they got home, as so many are known to do!:)
About the fear factor…
I know when I was kid, my brother and I “feared” our dad. He was a specialed teacher in the ‘hood. So you know he had the discipline thang on lock. As far as our mom went, we really ddidn’t obey her too well, mostly because we weren’t afraid, she’d cave alot.
Different parents have different discipline strategies. And we know what the Bible says about sparing the rod. So I’m not going tospeculate about the reverend, but is it possible that could be part of it? Maybe. But looking back, my brother was the only one who got spanked (by my dad). My mom barely touched us and when she did it barely hurt. They both nurtured us and scolded us in seperate but equal ways, I suppose.
I feel a whole post on the spanking dilemma coming up on these parenting blogs, AAD. Too much for to even think about posting on right now!
Best to you,
mj
Comment from Mrs. J
Time: November 14, 2006, 7:36 pm
Sorry for all that typo stuttering. Baby spilled juice in the keyboard this morn’!
Comment from Jim
Time: November 19, 2006, 10:06 am
U were right in droping the conversation. Respect is more important than fear. Now, do U think that his kids will come to him when they need a man’s advice? That slave mentality of putting fear in a person can and will backfire. I would’ve asked him, “With all that fear Ur putting into Ur children, do U think they’ll be around when Ur old and grey?” Now, I’m not above giving me little 1 a tap on that ass, when she deserves it. But NOT at a drop of a hat like this preson seem 2B doing.
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