BOW AND HELLO
The other day Dev and I went on a random trip to check out a nearby archery range. Observing the people there, ranging in age from very young to old, was one of the most different experiences I’ve had in some time. There were girls and boys, men and women, hunters and recreational shooters. Upon entering the biggish room there is the primary realization that you are around a bunch of people in deep concentration, and that you are way out of your comfort zone. Then there is the secondary realization that you are surround by serious weapons. I like the idea of archery for the focus and concentration that it requires. If we decide to pursue the sport it will not replace the music (probably piano), or the other sports that we plan on looking into. It’ll be more of a side hobby, like bowling. On the way home Dev and I discussed the fictional heroes that used bows and arrows and we both agreed that, even if we never go back, the idea itself of being an archer is kind of cool.
While we waited for the bus, which on a Sunday in my part of the city is like watching paint dry, Dev made a friend. The new friend was approximately the same height as my big guy, but probably older by a year or two. Their encounter started when New Friend noticed that my boy had a Batman toy and was playing alone. Dev was approached and the kid said “Batman, huh.” Then he pulled Spiderman from his pocket, signaling the official start of the good-guy battle. They played and ran around like old buddies from back in the day. They played on the bus completely disregarding the other passengers (normally I would have cared but the bus was crowded and no one else seemed to mind, so why should I?). Eventually the two departed with a wave of little hands. The new friend exited the bus first. There is a distinct possibility that they will never meet again.
Why is it that adults can’t be more like that? It’s simple: Be cordial, have a friendly conversation, then move on. In NY we tend to twist up our faces in a way that make us seem unapproachable and distant, perhaps even crazy. We do it on purpose because we don’t really want anyone to talk to us. (I’m speaking in generalities, so any New yorkers can feel free to correct me if they feel I’m wrong.) I say this because the father of the other kid and I did not even exchange a glance. We kept our eyes squarely on the kids.
Me, I’ll admit, I’m a little jaded by the idea of spontaneous social interaction. I’m comfortable holding groups and presenting to parents and families with great results. But out in the world, I’ve been burned. I tried talking to this one father on the train who was performing some really great feats of parenting and he basically treated me like I was a nut. Explaining to him that I am a writer and daddy blogger didn’t help. He thought I was nuts. Since then I try to keep my inquiries to myself or save them for the people who seek me out.
A comment a reader left on my “Mean People” post provoked me to think about these things. The reader basically said that these days we only openly socialize online and avoid human contact at all costs, aside from a select few who we let in our “offline” groups. We are all very friendly (or not) when we leave comments on blogs, but we would not give an actual human the time of day in a coffee shop. And if we did, it would be the time of day only, no eye contact, and you had better forget getting a smile with that. Our parents didn’t live like this. Then again, the world has never been quite the way it is now. To illustrate that point all I have to say is “Facebook.” There is a possibility that there is no turning back. One day in the not-so-distant future there may be no more social networking in the real world, only virtual bro-hugs. The last bastions of social interaction may be schools, and if you don’t make any “real” friends by the time you graduate, you may be out of luck… Then again, you can always go online.
Posted: March 19th, 2009 under LIFE, RANDOM, THE DEV, UNSOLICITED ADVICE & SUPPORT.
Comments: 5
Comments
Comment from Corey
Time: March 20, 2009, 5:27 am
This is interesting, Keith. I haven’t read the comment firsthand, but my first reaction is that I don’t agree with it, at least geographically. In NY, it may be so… I know when I visited friends in NY, (not even the city, proper, but the ‘burbs!) I tried to chitchat store clerks and make eye contact with my friends neighbors etc, and my friends were like “what are you DOING?!” because that was just not DONE and I was being a small town dork. We currently live in PA, and I frequently make conversation with clerks, people I’m in line with, other moms at school pickup, etc. I CAN put on on that face if I don’t feel like it, but it’s pretty common that someone else will start up a conversation if I don’t.
One thing I do wonder about with regard to this issue though is beyond geography, how race and/or age enter into the mix. Older people will start a conversation based on my kids, frequently (and not necessarily on the racial mix, but just on their antics). White men and women easily start conversations with me. But I have an incredibly difficult time even getting black men and women to make eye contact so I can open a conversation (or even so I can smile and say hi, as we pass on the street). I am curious as to whether I would have this same experience if I was a black woman (ie whether this is still an issue of geographic culture.. as we have many folks in this area that moved here from NY and/or NJ) or whether this is a black/white experience. Would there be more openness and familiarity if I was black, but less so with white people? I don’t know. Just something I mull over in my “free” time.
Comment from Yolanda
Time: March 20, 2009, 10:10 pm
I think it depends on where you live in the country. I’ve been told people in the midwest aren’t friendly and chatty because its too cold and windy most months of the year to do anything but to try to escape the frigid cold. For me personally it took leaving Texas to live in New York, Seattle, and then Atlanta to appreciate just how friendly Texans truly are. I made more good new friends living here a few months than I did over several years in Seattle. But then there’s also more people here that I have more in common with than I did in any of the previous places so I’m not sure if that is making the difference.
We were in the mall yesterday and there were tons of teens there (it’s spring break) in groups, sitting quietly together, texting like crazy and not saying one word to each other. It will be interesting to see how social networking impacts future generations.
Comment from Mr. Man
Time: March 25, 2009, 4:17 pm
I’ll be another so will say, “It depends”. I live in Texas and, just depending on where I am (what city, what neighborhood, etc.) kinda determines the level of social interaction. I sometimes think that, despite our sometimes exterior gruffness, we are inwardly fragile. Thus afraid to reach out to others for fear of rejection. Social interation online is different. There is a hugh barrier (the WWW) that keeps you from experiencing the pain. We risk losing the ability to feel deeply by pulling away from the human touch and conversation.
Comment from Dante
Time: March 26, 2009, 4:25 am
I, too, am from Texas, and I can say that I have experienced the “what in the hell are you doing” look a time or two when I traveled up north(Ohio and Chicago). I like to talk to people in positive situations, but seeing that the majority of times when folks(black, white, & mexican) are willing to talk is when they are in ‘complaining’ mode.
It’s sad that society has gotten to the fact that I’ll get a text before I get a call, or a e-card before one in the snail mail. People really are losing the fundamental social skill of saying ‘Hi’ while making eye contact and possibly waving *gasp*.
As far as archery, it is a focus oriented activity. I’ve moved up from the range to pecking off the squirrels in my back yard. In my neighborhood we call them tree rats…no joke.
My $0.02,
D
Comment from Ben
Time: March 27, 2009, 7:59 am
I live in NJ, about a stones throw from NYC and have worked there most of my adult years. I’ve also been to other parts of the country that look more like foreign lands to me than anything else. Here’s what I find.
Folks in nearly every other part of the country are more openly friendly and cordial than people in the Greater NYC area. BUT, I find that you can approach almost anyone with a friendly face and a genuine smile. The human condition requires that we connect with others. We can’t survive without it. So most people respond to it.
I had a conversation with someone I approached in Starbucks because she was on Facebook. We quickly moved to a conversation about Facebook etiquette. The basic point of contention was you shouldn’t be or “friend” people on FB that you don’t know in the real world. I view on is, then what’s the piont of being on FB then. People want to do in the real world what they can do in the virtual world which is: “Be cordial, have a friendly conversation, then move on.”
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