BLACK PARENTS, WHITE CHILDREN
I have several online buddies who are white and have adopted black children. I never think twice about that. Black children are overwhelmingly overrepresented in the child welfare system in general, and in foster care in particular, so I say give a kid in need a good family regardless of race. Children need parents who are stable, consistent, constant and full of love. If a white couple fits that criteria and, after careful vetting, wants to welcome a black child into their lives, I say god bless the child that got his own. I’m certain that there are plenty of black people who disagree with me on this topic, believing that black children should always be placed with black families. But I challenge them to tell that to an energetic and loving five year old that has been through five foster homes in three years. Tell that kid that they will not have a stable home until the right black family comes along even though a good white family wants them right now. Good luck with that.
But when I think about black folk adopting white children I discovered that it’s so uncommon that I haven’t really developed an opinion on it. It has literally never crossed my mind until I read this article today. My gut reaction to the article is that being black parents of white adopted children in very unique indeed, and very difficult. I would posit that this is the case for the same reason that I haven’t formed a fact-based opinion on it yet: it’s simply uncommon. However, what that means on a macro level is that observers start to apply their commonly held beliefs, aka stereotypes, to the unusual situation and start assuming that the black father with the little white girl is her kidnapper, and the 70 year old mother is the nanny (you have to read the article if what I just said is to make any tangible sense, though most of you know what I mean on instinct alone). I gather that such misgivings are a daily occurrence for black parents of white children, whether we want to accept this reality or not.
So why is it that in Obama’s so-called post-racial America Newsweek decided to open this topic up for discussion? Racism is a thing of the past right? It’s time to retire the old relics of the Civil Rights era – their jobs are done. Right? Well, if that was the case then this article would be a non-issue. We would all simply write this whole family off as an anomaly in a race-blind society. Instead, I’m compelled to to a closer look and publicly wonder if good parents partaking in good parenting trumps race. Or does race yet again play a bigger role in our lives than we are willing to admit? I know for a fact that at our cores, white or black, we love our kids the same way: more than anything else in the world. Perhaps therein lies the answer.
Posted: April 24th, 2009 under AAD ON RACE, ARTICLE COMMENTARY.
Comments: 7
Comments
Comment from Gayle
Time: April 25, 2009, 9:59 am
I have two friends (black like me) who are mothers of bi-racial children. Each of their children had very fair skin and straight hair while young. In effect, the children looked white and the moms did not. My friends were often mistaken for the nanny when going to the park or just walking down the street.
I remember hanging out with one of them, on the streets of Manhattan’s Upper Westside. We had just stopped into a fruit market – I ran up one aisle with my stroller while she searched another with hers and a white woman came up to her and asked if she knew where “the girl’s mother had gotten the cute dress she was wearing”.
My friend blurted out the name of the store and walked away. She was visibly shaken when I got to her. I made her point out the woman, got on line one person behind her and then acted out very badly. Someday’s I am not my best self.
That was 15 years ago. Sad to think that we still suffer the ignorance of racism in ways that can hurt so deeply.
Gayle
Comment from L
Time: April 26, 2009, 9:28 am
Don’t feel bad – as a white mom of nonwhite kids with a nonwhite nanny, I am often assumed to be their nanny and she their mother / grandma. It’s not motivated by meanness, just lack of experience / imagination, which isn’t a white-only issue. Anyway, it doesn’t matter what other people think. That’s the important thing. I wish people wouldn’t let the mere thought of what others “might” “think” hold them back from doing what their heart tells them to do – especially when that means depriving a child.
The thing that bugs me more is people who pass judgment on adoptive parents (”why didn’t you adopt this color/nationality”), when they haven’t done a single thing to help any of these kids, let alone welcome one (of any age or color) into their home.
Comment from dawn
Time: May 11, 2009, 9:55 pm
Funny that you mention this story. My mother’s 1st cousin adopted a white son. He has been with the family since he was a young child. He is about 15 now. He’s been around since I can remember. I can honestly say I didnt really think too hard about it until she and my great aunt talked about a few incidents when he was really young. The family has even had the police called on them. My mother’s cousin even started carrying around the adoption papers at one point. Can you imagine? One funny or interesting thing(depending on your perspective) his adoptive mother is muslim. She covers herself and everything. I can only imagine the looks they get.
Comment from sue
Time: July 23, 2009, 2:15 pm
I think people are just nosy, unobserved, and down right ignorant. It’s obvious to me when I see a white women with brown children or a women with a dark complexion and her children are very fair. My girls and I are the same color and after my divorce, I had my maiden name restored; however, my girls last names are the same as their fathers. At the library, while applying for a library card, the librarian wanted to know “why do you have different last names?”
Comment from Ashley Brooks
Time: August 13, 2009, 1:14 pm
@Gayle…as a person who actually IS of mixed heritage, I know how racist people of all colors can be.
However, your reaction to that woman’s ignorance was just as shameful. That only reinforced what many people seem to believe about black people in general…the notion that we constantly cry racism and act out inappropriately. I understand your reaction. I completely understand why you were hurt and angry because I’ve been there too. People of color suffer in a society that inflicts so much pain. I simply don’t feel that your reaction served to enlighten that ignorant person or teach her a meaningful lesson. Moreover, if your friend looks very different from her daughter, people of ALL races/ethnicities will make assumptions. It isn’t right but that is what people will do when they don’t know any better. Most people are not complex enough to look beyond the surface. Sometimes a kid can look just like a parent and people will STILL make assumptions!
There are things that can make a person of color more “visibly shaken” than having some idiot mistake you for the nanny of your biracial child. Like being called “n***er” or “ch**k” by two different white women because they felt threatened by an attractive, educated woman who was NOT white. I realize that it is hurtful and annoying, but from my OWN experiences as a biracial person with an ambiguous appearance, it is not that uncommon for people to stare or make comments that are out of line.
My mother happens to be very fair-skinned like myself. She is also biracial, born in Jamaica. Her father was white and her mother was black. Some people have acted as though we couldn’t POSSIBLY be related because of some perceived “difference” that they see, but we roll our eyes and smirk at their stupidity. People constantly ask me where I’m “from” and what I “am”. My husband (white) says it is because people are curious about me. I’ve never believed that for a second. I know the real reason people ask certain questions…most of the time, their motives are not innocent. They want to be able to feel superior, to label others and put them in a box. My race matters to most people before they will hold a conversation with me. All people seem to care about is what my “nationality/race/ethnicity” is…not who I am as an individual or what my interests are. They simply see a “funny-looking” person who doesn’t fit into any particular group and they act stupid. I’ve learned that it isn’t my fault for being who I am and looking the way I do.
I’m not blind to the racism disguised as “curiosity” in their questions. It does hurt deeply. But lately I’ve learned that there will always be stupid people in this world. People who will immediately jump to conclusions and make assumptions based on preconceived notions, ignorance, and fear. People who never open a book or try to learn/understand anything.
This is what fuels racism. And when we are confronted by real hate and ignorance driven by hate, we should deal with it in a way that commands respect. I hope your friend has learned to deal with comments and maintain dignity in the face of ignorance.
Comment from Dia
Time: September 21, 2009, 4:53 pm
I’m black and my daughter can basically pass for white (the blue/green eyes and long blond curly hair says it all!) Interestingly, she is the same complexion as my mom (her father was bi-racial and though he didn’t, could “pass” for white). Biologically, she is my niece; the product of a black father (my brother) and a white mother. Neither proved to be fit parents and I was asked to raise her. I’ve had her since she was just a few months old and adopted her when she was one. I am the only mother she knows and as of yet she doesn’t know that she’s adopted. Most people assume her father’s white and I don’t bother to offer explanations. I owe nothing to anyone.
I have faced the looks and stares as well as the ignorant comments. It has come from all sides, black and white – young and old, and they have been equally hurtful. My daughter is now 8 and is, of course, clearly aware of our color difference. I’ve tried to teach her to love herself and to appreciate the contrast we present. The toughest part is my inability to shield her from the ignorance feigned as “curiosity.” Just recently, when I was picking her up from her after school program some of the newer girls looked at me as if I had 10 heads. I laughed it off. I forgot that kids can be mean and ugly. The next day they questioned my daughter about our color difference because, of course, brown people can only have brown babies. Hurt, my daughter asked me if I could be white or if she could be brown like me. That cut my soul.
My first instinct was to unleash so much fury that they wished they had never hurt my child. But I have settled on the reality that for her this is just the beginning of such offenses. My daughter and I are NOT the “norm” and that makes people, black and white alike, uncomfortable. I’ve had to shore myself up and to stand firm that I am not here to make people feel comfy about us. We cannot change our color and I certainly wouldn’t trade my child for anything in the world. I want my daughter to be confident about who she is and to not be ashamed that I’m her mom. (Not to toot my own horn, but I’m pretty good mom!)
Having a bi-racial child has forced me to deal with my own prejudices and stereotypes. I have come to understand that no one race is predisposed to unkindness and mean spiritedness. Unfortunately, these two traits are equal opportunity. The child in me wants to scream “I hate you for trying to hurt us.” Yes, I feel that angry at times. But I’m all grown up and the inner child doesn’t get any “play time.” To the onlookers, I have but one message and I’m doing my best to instill this in my child. “Yes, I’m black and my daughter looks white. You can get over it or get out of my presence!”
Pingback from Don Roach » Blog Archive » Black Parents, White Children. Still a taboo?
Time: February 19, 2010, 7:59 am
[...] to dig up any information on it through my Google search. What I did find was a question posed by a blogger that merits discussion: I’m compelled to [take] a closer look and publicly wonder if good parents [...]
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