I have faced the looks and stares as well as the ignorant comments. It has come from all sides, black and white – young and old, and they have been equally hurtful. My daughter is now 8 and is, of course, clearly aware of our color difference. I’ve tried to teach her to love herself and to appreciate the contrast we present. The toughest part is my inability to shield her from the ignorance feigned as “curiosity.” Just recently, when I was picking her up from her after school program some of the newer girls looked at me as if I had 10 heads. I laughed it off. I forgot that kids can be mean and ugly. The next day they questioned my daughter about our color difference because, of course, brown people can only have brown babies. Hurt, my daughter asked me if I could be white or if she could be brown like me. That cut my soul.

My first instinct was to unleash so much fury that they wished they had never hurt my child. But I have settled on the reality that for her this is just the beginning of such offenses. My daughter and I are NOT the “norm” and that makes people, black and white alike, uncomfortable. I’ve had to shore myself up and to stand firm that I am not here to make people feel comfy about us. We cannot change our color and I certainly wouldn’t trade my child for anything in the world. I want my daughter to be confident about who she is and to not be ashamed that I’m her mom. (Not to toot my own horn, but I’m pretty good mom!)

Having a bi-racial child has forced me to deal with my own prejudices and stereotypes. I have come to understand that no one race is predisposed to unkindness and mean spiritedness. Unfortunately, these two traits are equal opportunity. The child in me wants to scream “I hate you for trying to hurt us.” Yes, I feel that angry at times. But I’m all grown up and the inner child doesn’t get any “play time.” To the onlookers, I have but one message and I’m doing my best to instill this in my child. “Yes, I’m black and my daughter looks white. You can get over it or get out of my presence!”

However, your reaction to that woman’s ignorance was just as shameful. That only reinforced what many people seem to believe about black people in general…the notion that we constantly cry racism and act out inappropriately. I understand your reaction. I completely understand why you were hurt and angry because I’ve been there too. People of color suffer in a society that inflicts so much pain. I simply don’t feel that your reaction served to enlighten that ignorant person or teach her a meaningful lesson. Moreover, if your friend looks very different from her daughter, people of ALL races/ethnicities will make assumptions. It isn’t right but that is what people will do when they don’t know any better. Most people are not complex enough to look beyond the surface. Sometimes a kid can look just like a parent and people will STILL make assumptions!

There are things that can make a person of color more “visibly shaken” than having some idiot mistake you for the nanny of your biracial child. Like being called “n***er” or “ch**k” by two different white women because they felt threatened by an attractive, educated woman who was NOT white. I realize that it is hurtful and annoying, but from my OWN experiences as a biracial person with an ambiguous appearance, it is not that uncommon for people to stare or make comments that are out of line.

My mother happens to be very fair-skinned like myself. She is also biracial, born in Jamaica. Her father was white and her mother was black. Some people have acted as though we couldn’t POSSIBLY be related because of some perceived “difference” that they see, but we roll our eyes and smirk at their stupidity. People constantly ask me where I’m “from” and what I “am”. My husband (white) says it is because people are curious about me. I’ve never believed that for a second. I know the real reason people ask certain questions…most of the time, their motives are not innocent. They want to be able to feel superior, to label others and put them in a box. My race matters to most people before they will hold a conversation with me. All people seem to care about is what my “nationality/race/ethnicity” is…not who I am as an individual or what my interests are. They simply see a “funny-looking” person who doesn’t fit into any particular group and they act stupid. I’ve learned that it isn’t my fault for being who I am and looking the way I do.

I’m not blind to the racism disguised as “curiosity” in their questions. It does hurt deeply. But lately I’ve learned that there will always be stupid people in this world. People who will immediately jump to conclusions and make assumptions based on preconceived notions, ignorance, and fear. People who never open a book or try to learn/understand anything.

This is what fuels racism. And when we are confronted by real hate and ignorance driven by hate, we should deal with it in a way that commands respect. I hope your friend has learned to deal with comments and maintain dignity in the face of ignorance.

The thing that bugs me more is people who pass judgment on adoptive parents (“why didn’t you adopt this color/nationality”), when they haven’t done a single thing to help any of these kids, let alone welcome one (of any age or color) into their home.

I remember hanging out with one of them, on the streets of Manhattan’s Upper Westside. We had just stopped into a fruit market – I ran up one aisle with my stroller while she searched another with hers and a white woman came up to her and asked if she knew where “the girl’s mother had gotten the cute dress she was wearing”.

My friend blurted out the name of the store and walked away. She was visibly shaken when I got to her. I made her point out the woman, got on line one person behind her and then acted out very badly. Someday’s I am not my best self.

That was 15 years ago. Sad to think that we still suffer the ignorance of racism in ways that can hurt so deeply.

Gayle